When He Left Just Us...

We tried to be strong while the other one broke down hoping we could absorb their pain from far away...if only I could transport my body to them so they are able to steal the last bit of energy I hold solely for them. Weakness held back as tears streamed down faces. I have to be strong for you, not for myself, for I do not know how to be strong for myself. So for my sake, let me be strong for you. For I will fall if I have nothing to hold up. So lean on me, let me feel the pressure to notify my mind that my body is still kicking.




XOXO

GrandPa's Hands...

This one is for you sweets. Hearing about your grandpa reminded me to smile about mine. (Not that I would ever forget...)


GrandPa's Hands

GrandPa's hands are West Indian.
Not just any West Indian,
but the kind of West Indian that tells stories for days,
about how he did a salsa two step to win my abuela's heart,
or how he worked 24/7 to raise five bad ass kids alone,
until he found grandma number two.

He was always a lady's man.
His hands would wrap around their waist
pulling them in for a slow dance,
as he whispered "you know I love you right?
The world would stop spinning without you,
food has lost all taste and
water can no longer nourish my body,"
or so, i imagined those were his exact words
as their bodies rocked back and forth
in unison as his hands played
piano across their lower backs.
(Yea, he's that original OG).

One day, I wish to have hands like the Big AL,
layered with wisdom,
stacked with pure age.
You know, the good age.
Where you had a lifetime of learning without books.
"GrandPa, show them how to throw up them deuces the right way".
"O GrandPa, texting is a way to message through the phone so you don't have to call".
"GrandPa! Women are not the only ones in the kitchen, men can cook now-a-days".

But most of all GrandPa's hands were giving
and with as much swag
as one hand could have,
he smoothly slide me a 100 dollar bill,
"Go buy yourself a pencil".



XOXO

The Big Picture...

I've brought this up time and time again thinking maybe I'm missing something, maybe I haven't stepped far enough back from the situation to see the big picture. I mean, that has to be the case, right? Not seeing the forest for the trees.





XOXO

If I Just Realize...

I don't understand why it didn't hit me sooner. Guess I was living in a daydream, pretending that blue skies stayed blue and rainbows appeared before the storm, just because. Maybe I'm more naive then I would like to admit to myself. But, I really thought that if I tried hard enough, if i believed in someone strong enough, if I loved her the way a best friend is suppose to love unconditionally, then maybe just maybe she would want to do the same for me. It's silly how our own minds play tricks on us. Each time she smacked me down, I rose and planted my feet hip-waist a part, only to be smacked down again. Funny how some bruises don't heal even after they fade.



XOXO

What Ifs...

Mind racing, thoughts clouded, what ifs just don't seem to fit or stay put like they are suppose to. These thoughts stir, linking themselves inside of each other causing an eruption of settled emotion. I push them down only to find that others like to topple on top of the old causing my mind to go into another whirlwind of what ifs. As they take flight, i fight to control the power they seem to be seizing. Thoughts dominate what i thought only I could own. Playing games of red light, green light, either way I lose because my mind with out a doubt always goes back to what if...


XOXO

The Way He Saw Me...

It started with a look. Not just an ordinary look but, one of those looks that stir your insides crazy, get you deep down in your core and rattle it senseless. One of those looks that send tingles rapidly throughout your body before you knew what hit you. One of those across the room, damn you are the most beautiful person I've ever had the pleasure to set eyes on looks. An, I can't believe you're mine looks. I can't wait to get you home to wine and dine you looks. A call the doctor my heart just stopped when I saw you looks. A that's her look.



XOXO

If God Says So...

They said that it would happen. That GOD had a bigger plan for me than I had for myself. When I was down and had no where to turn and I had run out of people to talk to, they said that I was going to be blessed beyond measure. I just couldn’t see it. In the mist of the storm I couldn’t see the rainbow. They told me to hold on; so I clenched my bible tight to my chest and cried. I questioned His motives. Asked Him what it was I had done to be placed in water drowning. Whatever it was I would fix it, I had promised Him that I would fix it if He would fix me. I was broken inside. Trying my damndest to pick myself up and make myself whole again, I was shattered. I had cried in the back left corner of my small walk-in-closet (that had become the only spot I would allow myself to be me) when I thought He couldn’t hear my plea. As I dealt with the dishes life fed me, as soon as I felt as though maybe I could finally come up for a breath of air; I’d be taken back under without a chance to hold my nose and prepare myself for the next whirlwind. He wanted me to believe, so He hit me blow by blow straight into the stomach to test my faith. That’s what I told myself, late at night, when I rubbed my own head to put myself to sleep. GOD was testing me. He was taking me into trouble waters to cleanse me and bring me closer to His bosom. I tried to trust that what they believed was possible and as I walked by myself through treading waters, they whispered faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.

XOXO

To Be Or Not To Be Bestfriends...

Me and my bestest have the weirdest up and down friendship ever. We go in and out, backwards and forwards, diagonal, and every other way possible. We go from having this unbreakable bond to not speaking for months within a blink of an eye. I can't really explain why we do this so often but we do. I've gotten to the point where I'm so over these childish games she insists on playing every few months. I feel like I'm in a horrible marriage that calls for divorce papers.
I woke up this morning with eyes burning and body aching. I don’t know why exactly, maybe it was because my body was drained from last night. After talking with my cousin I began to compare her relationship with her bff to my relationship with Brittainy(my on again off again bff since 9/10th grade). And unfortunately it made me cry against my will. I try not to let myself go there because I become extremely angry with the person I found Britt to be. I still don’t understand why or how we end up on these roller coasters, I’ve stepped back and re-evaluated the situation from as many sides as possible and I still don’t understand where she is coming from. I can mouth her explanations off before she can remember what they are. But something in her tells her these excuses will work, maybe because they have before and that's partially my fault, or maybe because she can't think of anything better to feed me. Who knows? But I can’t grasp the concept of how someone can turn their back so easily to the person they call best friend, sister even. If the way she treats me is a result of how she treats her sister, than I don't want to be a part of her family.
I am always there when a friend needs me. No matter what time, or what I’m going through, or what the problem at hand is, I’m always there, without hesitation. No questions ever asked! And some, no a lot of people don’t view friendship the way that I do. I've been told that I am a needy friend, which I can completely understand, but in my defense I don’t feel like I ask for anything I am not willing to give. OK, so maybe I'm a needy friend, I can accept that, I do expect a lot from people who say they will always be there for me, but it is never anything I wouldn't automatically give to them.
I tried to write a poem about it(you know, release these emotions I have deep down), but for some reason this subject just isn’t coming to me. I’ve tried working on it for weeks and it just isn’t up to par. Dammit! Once again, I’m back in this damn rotation with this girl who doesn't give two shits about me. I’ve given up, truly given up on sticking my neck out there for it to get chopped off. I cut her off. I don’t plan on contacting her or becoming the bestest again or anything of the sort. One day (as the rotation continues), she will randomly call me and I just wont answer. And she can talk about how I am the only person who will ever understand and once she realizes that I’m actually gone, that I’m through with this childish games, once she realizes I’m not coming back and I wont be the rock that holds her up when no one else will understand, once she realizes that what I said in my email and over the phone was serious, it will be too late. It will always be too late.


XOXO