Success...

Success...

"She's good to the touch...

but she's never enough."

Jay-Z 

xoxo

A Sense Of...

It seems the more I try to fight, the feeling...the harder I find myself falling. And I'm not sure if this time I can stop myself from plummeting into this so called pool that has me beyond a deep sense of like. 

xoxo

A Love Story...

I wanted someone to fight for me. Not physically, I just wanted someone to break through the barriers I had built to protect myself from outsiders. I wanted someone to want to fight the inner me. The part I didn’t know, at first, was holding me back from falling. All I ever wanted was to fall head first, feet last and have it mean something.

I was always a strong believer that when I was ready, I mean truly ready, God would send over someone who could give me that movie theatre love I was secretly looking for. And he had.

This time I can honestly say I was blindsided. Swept off my feet and carried to the side where he-man woman haters grew up. On the surface, I was ready to take that plunge into the adventures where only fairytale love stories could take me. Ride on carpet rides and slide my 7.5 foot into Cinderella’s glass slipper just so I can say I had the chance to see past the happily ever after. But against my better wishes my heart was afraid of being broken. Hidden behind the barriers I built to keep away the unworthy, it had stayed locked exactly where I thought hearts should be. Until, he arrived out of left field and took me completely by surprise.

I’ve always noticed him. Sometimes I thought I noticed him noticing me and I would toss him a light smile to let him know that I was noticing him too. That was our thing; the whole light flirting between friends. I tried to just go with the flow. Allow myself to get swept up in the goodness of all that was good for the first time. Told myself that this time I was going to let go of all my inhibitions and just breathe.

He was different.

The heat from his body had settled into warmth on my bed and with ease I slid my shoes off and got comfortable. Snuggled up to the space between his arm and chest where I laid my head to sleep. I used to believe the possibility of love was out there. That if I was patient enough God would eventually help us bump into each other on a random day that wasn’t so random. And he had.

xoxo

Growin Up Aint Always What Its Cracked Up 2 Be...

When you're a kid, time appears as if standing still. Like for some reason it takes a lifetime for you to get to the part where you're old enough to do w/e it is you thought grownups did when you went to bed at night. When you're a kid, a year can feel like a million and getting to your next birthday can take an eternity.

When you're a grownup, a year is just a year that goes by way to quickly. To many people die. To much money spent on bills. And there's never enough time to truly show the people close to you how much you really do love them.

Sometimes...
saying it daily still isn't enough.

FootPrints...

Afraid my fear
will slowly creep up
and swallow me whole...

I tread lightly...





XOXO

I've Got ButterFlies...

I've got butterflies. Not quite dinosaurs, yet. Or the butterflies you get when Mr. Ohmigosh brushes your arm when he walks past you. But those butterflies that are an equal mix of nerves and excitement. The ones that leave you standing in an utter state of confusion, not sure if you want to throw up or jump up, or both. It's usually both. But, boy do I have some fluttering creatures in the pit of my stomach that make me want to smile. Like I was remembering something from a week ago that no one else would understand if I said it out loud. Makes me smile like a girl in love smiles when she's by herself, reminiscing.

XOXO

I Wonder...

As my legs wrap around your waist and my mouth craves to be bitten and tasted, and my body yearns to feel the heat at the tip of my V that only you can cool. And then my back arches and my head leans allowing enough room for you to suck on my neck and stir juices. As my hand runs slowly down your chest and tension builds, when I feel like I cant take it anymore...I wonder...is it possible to fall in love without scrapping your knee when you hit the bottom??



XOXO

Love And All That Other Shit...

What are the elements of love, exactly? Is it a pinch of compassion, a dose of respect, a butterfly here, a butterfly there, and a heaping spoonful of over the mountain, reach for the stars, hit the ball out of the park, movie theater kind of love? What are the right ingrediants to not just making love but to making love work? In a world where the divorce rate amongst married couples is 50%, can we ever get the dosage right and have the kitchen smelling of arroz con mmm mmm mmm? When happily ever after is limited to a maximum of five years, how do we commit to saying 'I Do'?

XOXO

Just Let Him Be...

He goes to her for comfort and she accepts him, after all these years, because love doesnt just go away that easily. Even after the 20 or so years they've been apart, she accepts him into her home, smoke and all, with open arms. Saying, "sometimes you just got to let a man be a man".



XOXO

Riden On The Train...

Oh the subways of NYC...I've been told riding on the train can spark that creative spirit...so this is what I observed on a simple 30 minute ride on that nice little 4 train...

Please Lady Sit More Ladylike...
As her coach sneakers replace the kitten heels her feet have not gotten quite used to, her black socks scrunch down after a long days work. She's not used to wearing girlie outfits as her legs ease open and her back slouches into a familiar position. Her cotton dress lays on top of her manly legs displaying scars from rough nights and bball courts. She continuously bits down on the front of her tongue and picks at dead skin on her left pinkie finger. The dirt under her fingernails builds showing evidence of unwashed hands.


A Lover Not A Fighter...
As his tattooed arms make two fists and swings, the young boy listens intently as his father teaches him the right techniques to boxing. The navy blue NY Yankees hat falls slightly, hiding the little boys brown eyes as he rests his head against his father's strong shoulder. As his heart warms, his papi rests his head upon his sons, remembering the day he first held his baby boy in his arms.

Pieces Of Her...

I wrote this a little while back and for some reason I thought about it again so here goes nothing...

She needs to feel loved.
So she allows their hands
to search her body,
hoping they will bring her a piece of mind.
Exchange a piece for a piece.
Hoping to replace broken pieces with fixed ones
or better yet, restored.
But as she takes what she needs
they take what they can get
causing it to be a take and take relationship.
Leaving her still with nothing
to hold
onto except their naked body in her cold bed.

Once they fall
in love, she leaves.
Wishing their broken hearts healed her broken spirit,
that the pieces of her body were sacrificed
in good measure rather than in vein.
She clearly cries out
ohhhh with every climax,
praying that each time she cums
a piece of a piece of a piece of her heart
is mended.

XOXO

And To Think We Were Once Strangers...

This turned out a little more sexual then I intended....but I went with it.

You make me want to write,
about the feeling I get when you look at me like you're hungry,
like for a slight moment you are remembering how I taste on your lips,
and the only way to satisfy your craving is to taste me again.
You make me want to sit down and write,
about the tingles that crawl up my spine when you accidentally brush my skin on purpose.
Write a poem about that smirk you get when you're thinking
of me in a way you shouldn't be thinking.
Which gets me to thinking too...
about...mmm...yeah how I want to write.
You make me want to focus all my energy into writing a poem,
find the exact words that can describe to a tee
how you make me wanna...
how I just cant wait to...
write.


XOXO

Ayer, Hoy y Manana...

As we sit here, thinking about yester-year and who we used to be a day ago, reality settles reminding us that who we were is probably not who we are. And one can only hope that through the process of growth who we are today is not who we want to be tomorrow.


XOXO

When He Left Just Us...

We tried to be strong while the other one broke down hoping we could absorb their pain from far away...if only I could transport my body to them so they are able to steal the last bit of energy I hold solely for them. Weakness held back as tears streamed down faces. I have to be strong for you, not for myself, for I do not know how to be strong for myself. So for my sake, let me be strong for you. For I will fall if I have nothing to hold up. So lean on me, let me feel the pressure to notify my mind that my body is still kicking.




XOXO

GrandPa's Hands...

This one is for you sweets. Hearing about your grandpa reminded me to smile about mine. (Not that I would ever forget...)


GrandPa's Hands

GrandPa's hands are West Indian.
Not just any West Indian,
but the kind of West Indian that tells stories for days,
about how he did a salsa two step to win my abuela's heart,
or how he worked 24/7 to raise five bad ass kids alone,
until he found grandma number two.

He was always a lady's man.
His hands would wrap around their waist
pulling them in for a slow dance,
as he whispered "you know I love you right?
The world would stop spinning without you,
food has lost all taste and
water can no longer nourish my body,"
or so, i imagined those were his exact words
as their bodies rocked back and forth
in unison as his hands played
piano across their lower backs.
(Yea, he's that original OG).

One day, I wish to have hands like the Big AL,
layered with wisdom,
stacked with pure age.
You know, the good age.
Where you had a lifetime of learning without books.
"GrandPa, show them how to throw up them deuces the right way".
"O GrandPa, texting is a way to message through the phone so you don't have to call".
"GrandPa! Women are not the only ones in the kitchen, men can cook now-a-days".

But most of all GrandPa's hands were giving
and with as much swag
as one hand could have,
he smoothly slide me a 100 dollar bill,
"Go buy yourself a pencil".



XOXO

The Big Picture...

I've brought this up time and time again thinking maybe I'm missing something, maybe I haven't stepped far enough back from the situation to see the big picture. I mean, that has to be the case, right? Not seeing the forest for the trees.





XOXO

If I Just Realize...

I don't understand why it didn't hit me sooner. Guess I was living in a daydream, pretending that blue skies stayed blue and rainbows appeared before the storm, just because. Maybe I'm more naive then I would like to admit to myself. But, I really thought that if I tried hard enough, if i believed in someone strong enough, if I loved her the way a best friend is suppose to love unconditionally, then maybe just maybe she would want to do the same for me. It's silly how our own minds play tricks on us. Each time she smacked me down, I rose and planted my feet hip-waist a part, only to be smacked down again. Funny how some bruises don't heal even after they fade.



XOXO

What Ifs...

Mind racing, thoughts clouded, what ifs just don't seem to fit or stay put like they are suppose to. These thoughts stir, linking themselves inside of each other causing an eruption of settled emotion. I push them down only to find that others like to topple on top of the old causing my mind to go into another whirlwind of what ifs. As they take flight, i fight to control the power they seem to be seizing. Thoughts dominate what i thought only I could own. Playing games of red light, green light, either way I lose because my mind with out a doubt always goes back to what if...


XOXO

The Way He Saw Me...

It started with a look. Not just an ordinary look but, one of those looks that stir your insides crazy, get you deep down in your core and rattle it senseless. One of those looks that send tingles rapidly throughout your body before you knew what hit you. One of those across the room, damn you are the most beautiful person I've ever had the pleasure to set eyes on looks. An, I can't believe you're mine looks. I can't wait to get you home to wine and dine you looks. A call the doctor my heart just stopped when I saw you looks. A that's her look.



XOXO

If God Says So...

They said that it would happen. That GOD had a bigger plan for me than I had for myself. When I was down and had no where to turn and I had run out of people to talk to, they said that I was going to be blessed beyond measure. I just couldn’t see it. In the mist of the storm I couldn’t see the rainbow. They told me to hold on; so I clenched my bible tight to my chest and cried. I questioned His motives. Asked Him what it was I had done to be placed in water drowning. Whatever it was I would fix it, I had promised Him that I would fix it if He would fix me. I was broken inside. Trying my damndest to pick myself up and make myself whole again, I was shattered. I had cried in the back left corner of my small walk-in-closet (that had become the only spot I would allow myself to be me) when I thought He couldn’t hear my plea. As I dealt with the dishes life fed me, as soon as I felt as though maybe I could finally come up for a breath of air; I’d be taken back under without a chance to hold my nose and prepare myself for the next whirlwind. He wanted me to believe, so He hit me blow by blow straight into the stomach to test my faith. That’s what I told myself, late at night, when I rubbed my own head to put myself to sleep. GOD was testing me. He was taking me into trouble waters to cleanse me and bring me closer to His bosom. I tried to trust that what they believed was possible and as I walked by myself through treading waters, they whispered faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.

XOXO

To Be Or Not To Be Bestfriends...

Me and my bestest have the weirdest up and down friendship ever. We go in and out, backwards and forwards, diagonal, and every other way possible. We go from having this unbreakable bond to not speaking for months within a blink of an eye. I can't really explain why we do this so often but we do. I've gotten to the point where I'm so over these childish games she insists on playing every few months. I feel like I'm in a horrible marriage that calls for divorce papers.
I woke up this morning with eyes burning and body aching. I don’t know why exactly, maybe it was because my body was drained from last night. After talking with my cousin I began to compare her relationship with her bff to my relationship with Brittainy(my on again off again bff since 9/10th grade). And unfortunately it made me cry against my will. I try not to let myself go there because I become extremely angry with the person I found Britt to be. I still don’t understand why or how we end up on these roller coasters, I’ve stepped back and re-evaluated the situation from as many sides as possible and I still don’t understand where she is coming from. I can mouth her explanations off before she can remember what they are. But something in her tells her these excuses will work, maybe because they have before and that's partially my fault, or maybe because she can't think of anything better to feed me. Who knows? But I can’t grasp the concept of how someone can turn their back so easily to the person they call best friend, sister even. If the way she treats me is a result of how she treats her sister, than I don't want to be a part of her family.
I am always there when a friend needs me. No matter what time, or what I’m going through, or what the problem at hand is, I’m always there, without hesitation. No questions ever asked! And some, no a lot of people don’t view friendship the way that I do. I've been told that I am a needy friend, which I can completely understand, but in my defense I don’t feel like I ask for anything I am not willing to give. OK, so maybe I'm a needy friend, I can accept that, I do expect a lot from people who say they will always be there for me, but it is never anything I wouldn't automatically give to them.
I tried to write a poem about it(you know, release these emotions I have deep down), but for some reason this subject just isn’t coming to me. I’ve tried working on it for weeks and it just isn’t up to par. Dammit! Once again, I’m back in this damn rotation with this girl who doesn't give two shits about me. I’ve given up, truly given up on sticking my neck out there for it to get chopped off. I cut her off. I don’t plan on contacting her or becoming the bestest again or anything of the sort. One day (as the rotation continues), she will randomly call me and I just wont answer. And she can talk about how I am the only person who will ever understand and once she realizes that I’m actually gone, that I’m through with this childish games, once she realizes I’m not coming back and I wont be the rock that holds her up when no one else will understand, once she realizes that what I said in my email and over the phone was serious, it will be too late. It will always be too late.


XOXO

On the Subway Now...

It's finally making sense!! I can actually say I'm learning the freaking subway system. Now granted, it's only certain trains but the concept of uptown, downtown, have your metro card out before you make it to the swipe area (just in case you have to make a mad dash in three inch heels for the closing doors) is actually sinking in. Time and time again I figure...heck I'm going to end up in Brooklyn...I know it! I mean, there is no possible way that I could end up in Brooklyn seeing how the train I usually get on does not go any where near it, but knowing me I'd somehow find my way in the BK. (Don't ask). But, as I disappear down the stairs, swipe my metro, and wait impatiently between the walls of humidity and staleness; I find that as long as I know what stop I'm looking for, transferring trains or finding my way to the surface is not as hard as it once seemed two weeks ago.

XOXO

The Big Move...

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase". MLK Jr.

That's exactly what I did. Took that first step without seeing the whole staircase in front of me. Packed up my belongings (after careful consideration of course) and moved to the Big Apple-the city where all my dreams reside. It took a lot and with all the nervous butterflies in my stomach, I swallowed hard and moved. Took that first leap to becoming who I've dreamt so many nights alone in my room. Eyes closed tight, fist clenched I frog leaped straight into the pool of New York City. And now that I'm coming up for air...I can finally breathe. Ahhh...City Lights and Big Dreams.

XOXO