To Be Or Not To Be Bestfriends...

Me and my bestest have the weirdest up and down friendship ever. We go in and out, backwards and forwards, diagonal, and every other way possible. We go from having this unbreakable bond to not speaking for months within a blink of an eye. I can't really explain why we do this so often but we do. I've gotten to the point where I'm so over these childish games she insists on playing every few months. I feel like I'm in a horrible marriage that calls for divorce papers.
I woke up this morning with eyes burning and body aching. I don’t know why exactly, maybe it was because my body was drained from last night. After talking with my cousin I began to compare her relationship with her bff to my relationship with Brittainy(my on again off again bff since 9/10th grade). And unfortunately it made me cry against my will. I try not to let myself go there because I become extremely angry with the person I found Britt to be. I still don’t understand why or how we end up on these roller coasters, I’ve stepped back and re-evaluated the situation from as many sides as possible and I still don’t understand where she is coming from. I can mouth her explanations off before she can remember what they are. But something in her tells her these excuses will work, maybe because they have before and that's partially my fault, or maybe because she can't think of anything better to feed me. Who knows? But I can’t grasp the concept of how someone can turn their back so easily to the person they call best friend, sister even. If the way she treats me is a result of how she treats her sister, than I don't want to be a part of her family.
I am always there when a friend needs me. No matter what time, or what I’m going through, or what the problem at hand is, I’m always there, without hesitation. No questions ever asked! And some, no a lot of people don’t view friendship the way that I do. I've been told that I am a needy friend, which I can completely understand, but in my defense I don’t feel like I ask for anything I am not willing to give. OK, so maybe I'm a needy friend, I can accept that, I do expect a lot from people who say they will always be there for me, but it is never anything I wouldn't automatically give to them.
I tried to write a poem about it(you know, release these emotions I have deep down), but for some reason this subject just isn’t coming to me. I’ve tried working on it for weeks and it just isn’t up to par. Dammit! Once again, I’m back in this damn rotation with this girl who doesn't give two shits about me. I’ve given up, truly given up on sticking my neck out there for it to get chopped off. I cut her off. I don’t plan on contacting her or becoming the bestest again or anything of the sort. One day (as the rotation continues), she will randomly call me and I just wont answer. And she can talk about how I am the only person who will ever understand and once she realizes that I’m actually gone, that I’m through with this childish games, once she realizes I’m not coming back and I wont be the rock that holds her up when no one else will understand, once she realizes that what I said in my email and over the phone was serious, it will be too late. It will always be too late.


XOXO